It's Simple, But It's Not Easy
On Loving Your Husband, a guest post by Glenda Mumme
“It’s simple but it’s not easy.” Those are the words my dear friend said to me as she stood at the sink with a dish rag in her hand having washed the table after our families had finished supper. The kids had scattered and the four of us delved into one of our wandering discussions which often led to our husbands going down one tangent while we followed ours. And that’s what happened this night. The four of us - who have been married thirty years and have adult children - started sharing observations of younger families ensconced in the daily grind of raising their children. As my friend and I reflected on our years, trying to remember correctly our struggles, we were searching for how to help these friends. How do we follow Paul’s advice in Titus 2:3b-5, “They (older women) are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” without coming across as know-it-all nags who don’t have any idea what it’s like these days? We had no answers that day. We did mourn that many of our younger friends don’t actually ask us for help nor do they take our advice with the loving, experienced wisdom we have gained from our years of marriage and parenting. But my friend’s words, “It’s simple but it’s not easy,” stuck with me and I’ve been pondering them ever since. It has become one of my motto’s I mutter to myself as I go about my work. (Another is “Life is messy, clean it up.”) Finally, I decided one way I could offer my insight and wisdom was to write about it on my daughters’ substack. After discussing the idea with them, it was settled for me to offer wisdom and advice in four areas; loving your husband, running a household, raising your children, and personal piety.
First, let’s consider how “it’s simple but not easy” to be a wife and to love your husband. Luther’s explanation to the sixth commandment says, “We should fear and love God so that we lead a sexually pure and decent life and husband and wife love and honor each other.” Doesn’t that seem simple? “Love and honor him” that’s all there is to it. At least that’s what I thought in my young naiveté. I met my husband in college and as our relationship grew and turned into an engagement, I knew that I loved him. How could I not love this man and honor him? He was perfect. It sure was going to be simple to fulfill the “love and honor” part. I’d happily tell everyone and anyone all about him; painting everything he did in the most wonderful way. He could do no wrong and had such cute quirks. I was in that stage which is often called “young love,” or “puppy love.” It is a good stage, a necessary stage, but not the final stage. As the years of marriage roll along, the “but not easy” part of loving and honoring your husband enters the scene. This is where we learn that love is more than feelings.
Love and honor are actions. Thirty years into our marriage has given me a slightly better understanding of what that means and that the best way to show my husband love is to honor him. Think of it like this; if I were to speak at the ceremony where my husband is receiving the top award, what should I say? I certainly would not say things like, “Raymond leaves his dirty socks on the floor no matter how many times I tell him not to.” “Raymond never does anything around the house, he just sits and watches tv while I do all the work.” “Raymond still hasn’t finished that project and I’ve been wanting it done since last summer.” “Raymond never listens to anything I say.”
That would not be honoring my husband at such a special event! So why would I say these un-honorable things in every day conversation with friends and family even if they are true? I shouldn’t and neither should you. These types of statements and comments are ones we must not let slip into our conversations with others. It will not be easy because our sinful nature wants to show how hard we have it while the sinful nature of the listeners will want to hear because it will enable them to feel superior about not being married to such a man. Fight against this airing of dirty laundry! Instead love him by honoring him with words of praise like: “Raymond always unloads the dishwasher for me in the morning so that I can take my time getting ready.” “Raymond is building shelves for more storage, it will be such a help for us.” “Raymond makes sure that the car is in good condition so I never worry about it not working.” “Raymond does a wonderful job keeping our budget.” Also say these things to your husband, thanking him for these things, then kiss him and hug him. Keep that puppy love alive.
Another area which is a struggle for wives is nagging. We want things done and we want them done now. But nagging is not pleasant, is not good, and needs to stop. Using a previous example for an illustration: “Raymond leaves his dirty socks on the floor no matter how many times I tell him not to,” how does a wife not nag? First of all, think about when it is you are asking him to not do this. Is he actually listening? Be observant and realize that you must have his attention before speaking. If he is watching television, sitting at the computer, reading or scrolling on his phone, first say his name, make sure he has looked up or responded in some way to you, and then speak. You can even say to him, “Honey, I need to ask you something, can I interrupt you?” Once you have his attention then you can ask him to put his socks in the dirty clothes instead of on the floor. Be careful of your tone as well. Harping, sounding exasperated, moaning, grumbling are all synonyms of nagging. Stop it. This isn’t loving and honoring him. Yes, it isn’t easy living with him, but it is isn’t easy for him to live with you either. Remember, you have your own inconsistencies, your own faults, your own “leaving dirty socks on the floor.” Just as you would want him to overlook some of them, remind you to do others, teach you how to improve, do the same for him, then kiss him and hug him. Keep that puppy love alive.
One last area to consider is that of doing things together. Remember back to those dating years when you and him were always together? Remember date night? Recapture these in your marriage. It will look differently when there are young children, teenage children, or you’re empty nesters, but it is just as important in those times as in the beginning. Here is a list of ideas which my husband and I have used over the course of our marriage: running errands together (even when the kids were little we did this), walking, snowshoeing, watching movies, sports, or tv shows together, establishing a date night, listening to audiobooks, sitting in the same room and reading, morning devotions. There are many more that could be added, but you get the idea. Make sure you and your husband are spending time together every day, talking to each other every day, hugging and kissing every day. Laugh together. Make your marriage a priority. Grow old and comfortable together.
“It’s simple but it’s not easy” isn’t a life hack or a magic pill that will turn your life into a fairy-tale. It is a good way though to remember that these things are doable. You can love and honor your husband, not nag him, and enjoy spending time with him every day even though it isn’t easy. Let this phrase remind you to take yourself out of the center and put him there instead.
Glenda Mumme is a Lutheran pastor’s wife, mother to five grown children, and grandmother to five grandchildren. She enjoys reading, cooking, cleaning, traveling, walking, and baking.
Wise words well written.
Thank you, Glenda.