On Willpower

Rethinking the phrase "strong willed child"

If, like me, you have children who have strong opinions and no problem making their own desires loudly known, you may have been told by others that you have a “strong willed child.” This is a very common phrase these days, and you may even have used it yourself. In common usage, the description “strong willed” is used to mean a child who insists on having things their own way, to a degree greater than what is thought of as normal child behavior. “Strong willed” children are not cowed by typical disciplinary measures, and stubbornly hold out for their own way long after other children give up. Now, I am not one to question whether some children are more stubborn than others, as these differences are obvious even among siblings, and I recognize it from firsthand experience. What might work to convince one easy-going child may take hours of struggle to convince another. And while a term for these children may be helpful in order to give advice and encouragement to their parents, I would suggest that “strong willed” is not the best option we have.

What is willpower? Let’s take it from a childhood classic, Frog and Toad:

Willpower involves not getting what you want. It involves having a desire for something and telling yourself no. Willpower is something we all need to work to develop in ourselves, but for children it is an especially important practice. Charlotte Mason, a prominent 19th century educator, writes, “Children should be taught (a) to distinguish between ‘I want’ and ‘I will.’ (b) That the way to will effectively is to turn our thoughts away from that which we desire but do not will.” In these quotes we can see that will and desire often run contrary to each other and that those children we tend to call “strong willed” are typically the ones who most need to strengthen their own willpower.

I believe a better term for these children would be “strongly desiring” children, and I think that the understanding of the difference between the two phrases may actually help those of us with strongly desiring children understand them better. If you think of your stubborn child as simply “strong willed,” you are tempted to think of their will (or rather, their wants and desires), as an obstruction in your way. A wall that has to be scaled, a mountain that has to be moved. This puts you and the child at odds every time you come up against their wants, and leads to frustration and anger. However, if you think of them rather as strongly desiring children who need to learn willpower, a new path opens up. Instead of simply needing to get around an obstacle, you have a goal towards which to lead the child. If you remind yourself “this child of mine has very strong desires and feelings, but he can learn to manage them and control his actions” then you have reframed your relationship as one of teacher or guide instead of one of antagonism. Of course, frustrations and head butting will still occur, but they will likely feel easier to manage.

Of course, there is a way that the phrase “strong willed” can be understood correctly. A child can actively choose and will to do the wrong thing, and hold strongly to that decision in opposition to everyone, even his parents. Charlotte Mason points out that “It is well that children should know that while the turbulent person is not ruled by will at all but by impulse, the movement of his passions or desires, yet it is possible to have a constant will with unworthy or evil ends, or, even to have a steady will towards a good end and to compass that end by unworthy means” And yet, I think that teaching our children that willpower is something they need to shape and develop in themselves in order to control their passions and desires is a necessary part of their growing up. It is not an easy lesson, and it is not a fast one. “The ordering of the will is not an affair of sudden resolve; it is the outcome of a slow and ordered education in which precept and example flow in from the lives and thoughts of other men, men of antiquity and men of the hour, as unconsciously and spontaneously as the air we breathe. But the moment of choice is immediate and the act of the will voluntary; and the object of education is to prepare us for this immediate choice and voluntary action which every day presents.” It is the task of the parent and educator, Charlotte reminds us, to help them build this habit of rightly ordered will day by day.

So when a child has very strong reactions to not getting what they want (perhaps the wrong color of cup, perhaps not getting their desired food, perhaps not getting to stay at the park all day) ask yourself if this is truly a matter of their will actively choosing a behavior, or if it is rather simply an impulsive response guided by strong emotions. If the latter, perhaps teaching them to have a stronger will is the solution to the problem. As Charlotte Mason says, “The one achievement possible and necessary for every man is character; and character is as finely wrought metal beaten into shape and beauty by the repeated and accustomed action of will”.