The Great, Unsatisfying Compromise

Should women pursue either a career or a marriage and children, or make room for both?

In an essay that I have treasured and pondered since my college days, Elizabeth Corey writes about two noble desires — the desire to pursue excellence in oneself and the desire to raise children. Corey’s words stood out to me in college because they were one of the only sources I could point to that described both desires as a noble and worth consideration. In our modern community, and perhaps especially in the Christian communities I grew up in, there is great contention between these two ideas; each group condemning the other for not allowing women to be who they were created to be.

Yet no woman was born with the vocation of mother or with a work vocation — these things come later in her life, if at all. There is a growing tendency in conservative circles to describe unmarried women as “future mothers,” even going so far as to limit the raising of young girls to preparation for motherhood. It is no small percentage of families that I have known who do not send their girls to college, but instead set them to homemaking until they marry and have households and families of their own. Although these skills are important, there is a lost value among these households for girls to pursue excellence. Every woman has various talents that she can and should pursue excellence in, and often it is these talents and her passion for them that attracts a young man to her. Good men seek a wife who is disciplined and who strives to live well and without error, and a woman well accustomed to the pursuit of excellence is a great source of advice and encouragement to him in his personal and professional endeavors.

On the other hand, I have also known countless families who do not teach their daughters any of the skills of homemaking, and this is also a great loss. Statistically, it is almost impossible to predict what your child’s professional and academic interests will be, but it is not a stretch to assume that she will probably get married one day. Furthermore, even without a spouse, the skills of tidiness, organization, cooking, and financial planning are necessary for one’s individual life. It is a great deficit to anyone, man or woman, to be unable to live independently with care for their living space and their physical wellbeing.

Corey contrasts the writings of many on this topic by theorizing that a working woman and a stay at home mom are pursuing two separate sets of virtues. She writes: “Excellence in a particular field requires persistence, self-confidence, drive, courage, and initiative. These are eminently admirable qualities. On the other hand, serving or loving another requires the even more admirable qualities of attention, focus, care, patience, and self-sacrifice.” The desire for these qualities and the pursuit of them is admirable, but there is no true balance between them in Corey’s eyes: one is the pursuit of self-improvement, the other is the pursuit of self sacrifice, and the desires for these are therefore innately at odds with each other.

I have returned to this article after graduating college, while considering graduate school, while getting married, and now, after the birth of my son. That disharmony is still great within me, and it will be for a long time. Deciding whether to pursue career, family, or attempt to balance both is a great struggle for many women. Numerous friends of mine have reached out to ask me my advice on their lives and on their decision, and although I can point to my life, at home with my son, ultimately they receive a link to this article, a latte, and a supportive ear while they decide how to live with disharmony in their lives.

Read Corey’s full article here: No Happy Harmony.