The Sprinkle of Cinnamon and Sugar in a Friendship

What does a good friend look like? How should friends regard one another?

There is a lot of loneliness that seems to accompany adult life. People argue different causes for this, but few deny that the transition into adulthood and its progression afterward are riddled with a great deal of loneliness. This is especially apparent in this century, when we are constantly seeing online get togethers, vacations, and hang outs posted by our friends, and secretly asking ourselves why we never have moments like these.

I have begun to suspect, however, that our modern, international connections are the cause of great loneliness for us. Would you feel left out and alone if you didn’t see that collage that “@fitnessgirl234lyfestyle” posted of her trip to Disney with eleven of her best friends? Would we feel betrayal that our high school friends Kate and Maleah met up for coffee and didn’t send you an invitation if we didn’t see their post online? It is certainly far harder to feel content when it seems that everyone else has more friends, more adventures, and more leisure time than we do.

Katie Blackburn writes an article for Coffee + Crumbs on the nature of friendship, and it is both reassuring and convicting. From the perspective of a mother, she highlights some of the qualities and shares some of the moments that make her friends precious in her eyes. Two things stand out: these moments are not public (read: online) displays of affection, and these moments are often not particularly unique or life changing. A word of encouragement at the right moment, or an expression of love for her child are enough to make Blackburn pause and treasure the friend she has been blessed with.

This is friendship apart from social media, and even apart from modern technological reality, so to speak. Blackburn is not, as far as we know from the article, in contact 24/7 with her friends online, nor is she sharing their friendship on social media. Instead their friendship is grounded in real exchanges in her life. Although social media arguably has its perks, it has also vastly complicated friendships. It has created an expectation of immediacy, of constant communication, and of constant affirmation. There is a reason that we “like” posts, after all. We are constantly seeking validation online, and this seeps into the friendships that are primarily online.

The truth is that there is no reason that friends need to be in one continuous conversation around the clock. This not only causes unnecessary hurt when one friend fails to respond immediately but also forces both friends to be less present and less dedicated to their physical roles and daily tasks. We have developed a world where friends talk constantly about nothing and have condemned friendships where friends talk occasionally about complex things.

The modern friendship of affirmation is entirely opposed to disagreement: one subject in which both parties do not see entirely eye to eye immediately is enough to ‘cancel’ the friendship entirely. This is grossly opposed to true friendship, in which we gently correct our friends when they are in the wrong; and passionately debate our friends when we reach differing conclusions.

So what does this offline friendship look like? Blackburn suggests that it is evidenced by timely gestures and conscious thought. She reflects on a friend who brought balloons as a surprise to school pick up just to make Blackburn’s daughter feel loved by her mom’s friend on her birthday. She reflects on a friend who encourages her with a few strong words when she was at a low point. Perhaps most striking to me is her first example; a friend dropping off a coffee on her doorstep unannounced:

“Friend!” I texted back, “This just made my afternoon, thank you so much! And you remembered to make it decaf!” 

“You always drink decaf in the afternoon.” She responded, followed with a little yellow emoji smiling back at me.

She was right. I do only drink decaf in the afternoon. 

She noticed.”

How beautiful it is to be seen. This is why we love local coffee shops where the baristas know our order (you need only go with me to my favorite Twin Cities coffee shop once before you learn that my go to order is a cappuccino with cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on top, which they all refer to as ‘Ellie’s cappuccino’). True friendship is not reflected by how often you talk or how photogenic your get togethers are: friendship is shown by the meticulous care and thought put into every interaction you have with each other, be that every day or once every three months.

Not only this, but true friendship does not exist purely in virtual reality. Following someone on Instagram, or Twitter, or TikTok, or Facebook does not make them your friend. Commenting occasionally or liking someone’s posts does not make them your friend. These things are instead incredibly contrived performances begging for attention (or, in their best form and usage, platforms through which to share art, personal updates, and information), and they cause far more drama than they cause good. These apps drive us to get more followers, more likes, more shares, more comments, without ever providing any elements of real friendship. Real friendship is offline, it is personal, and it is complex. Our photo captions, however clever, do not accomplish this complexity. This isn’t to say you cannot be online, it is merely a reminder that friendships reside offline, and that those relationships is where your energy should be directed.

Read the rest of Katie’s article here.