"That's great for you, it's not for me"
How this simple phrase encourages contentment and peace
I can’t remember now the first place I heard the phrase. Maybe on a podcast? Maybe in conversation? All I know for sure is that I am not the originator of the phrase, but that ever since I’ve heard it it’s become one of my mantras. “That’s great for you, but it’s not for me.” It’s simple, nothing profound, and yet I think that simply having that phrase in your back pocket can work wonders for relationships and contentment.
As adults, we are constantly faced with decisions. In fact, adulthood often feels like nothing other than an endless string of decisions you have to make, one right after the other. Some are big and therefore obviously taxing on the mind as you work through them: Where should I live? What car should I buy? What should I do for a living? Who should I marry? Others are daily decisions we have to make that are so small they sometimes get overlooked: What should I have for a snack? When should I go to bed? What movie should I watch? What outfit should I wear? And in between there are a million other decisions, all with different degrees of importance. And not only are we each making decisions day by day, we are also always seeing the decisions made by other people, especially friends and family, which can often look pretty different from our own choices. And while some of these decisions do have clear right or wrong answers, the vast majority of them do not, and equally wise and virtuous people will make different choices just based on their own lives and personalities and circumstances.
It can be tempting, especially in the age of social media, to compare decisions all the time. He works out every morning at 5am. Should I? She buys all her clothes from this one store. Should I? They take their family to Florida every winter. Should we? You gave up sugar. Should I? On and on. Sure, we’ve all heard that “comparison is the thief of joy.” And sure, we all know at some level that other people aren’t making different choices from us simply because they think we are dumb and doing things wrong. But when the comparison game creeps in, or seeing other people’s life choices makes you question your own, this is where the phrase “That’s great for you, but it’s not for me” starts to shine. Being able to look at the choices your friends and family are making, acknowledge that their decision is working great for them, and yet also acknowledge that it’s simply not the choice for you, is freeing.
It works with little decisions, like when a friend talks about how they get all their laundry done in a day, while for you it works much better to do one load every morning. Or when one mom sews all the clothes for her kid, one mom buy all her kid’s clothes secondhand, and one buys only new, organic, 100% cotton clothes. Nobody is choosing wrongly or rightly, they’re just choosing what works for them, and that’s great. Being able to say “That’s great for you!” and mean it, helps both with your own contentment with your own circumstances, and also helps you build up the relationship by celebrating something that works for them, even if you would never choose it.
The phrase even works with the big decisions, like the different houses people buy, the different places they live, the different priorities on their schedules. Yes, there are sometimes clearly wrong decisions made, and sometimes clearly right ones, but even with big decisions there are often many cases where there is simply freedom to choose from any number of good, workable, okay options. And here too, instead of comparing how so-and-so has a bigger house, and so-and-so has a better yard, and Jim just bought a beautiful new car while Jane decided to sell hers and walk everywhere in the city, we all have a lot to gain by simply saying “That’s great for you! It’s just not for me.” Maybe it’s even a lifestyle choice you desperately wish you could choose, but aren’t able to for any number of reasons. Here too, saying this simple phrase and letting it run through your mind can help you to recognize that all people are given different gifts, and sometimes we don’t get the one we most want. As a wise old man in a wise old book once said1, “But the gods give to mortals not everything at the same time;” and “you cannot choose to have all gifts given to you together.”
As we come closer and closer to Christmas, I hope you can tuck this little phrase in the back of your mind and pull it out as all the decisions come to a head. One friend is buying her kids new and expensive devices and toys! One friend is hand making all her gifts. One friend is baking Christmas treats that take thirteen steps and four hours (sorry guys, that’s probably me). One friend is crafting all her decorations. One friend is going to all the different Christmas events. One friend was done Christmas shopping in November! One friend has their family in matching pajamas on Christmas Eve. One friend sets out her expensive decorations even though she has little kids! One friend doesn’t decorate at all. One friend celebrates St. Nicholas day elaborately, and another has never heard of it. One friend puts the tree up on the day after Thanksgiving, and another does it on Christmas Eve. And.. and… and… In all the chaos and hubbub of the season, may the simple phrase “That’s great for you! It’s not for me.” bring some contentment and peace.
Homer, in the Iliad, which you should definitely read or read again.
Definitely feel this way in the sea of homeschooling and various other educational options. Each child and family is different, and they choose accordingly what works best for them. Lots of wonderful options, but their way doesn’t have to be mine, and that’s ok!